Velvet Dragonflies Read online

  Also by Billy Chapata

  Chameleon Aura

  Flowers on the Moon

  flight.

  the path back to yourself will be unique.

  it won’t be a linear journey filled with straightforward results and outcomes, it won’t be a smooth sail with consistently calm waves and peaceful winds, it won’t be a transparent trail with clear signs and direction—it will be incomparable.

  it will have a variety of experiences that will leave you feeling a multitude of things at different times;

  sometimes, you will experience much that will leave you heavy.

  sometimes, you will experience much that will leave you lighter.

  other times, your experiences will serve no other purpose than helping you grow wings so you can return back home, to you.

  time may have hardened your heart, but you are deserving of nothing but softness; time may have roughened your spirit, but you are deserving of nothing but gentleness; time may have tainted the opinion you have of yourself, but you are deserving of nothing but forgiveness. i hope, eventually, these words open you to the realization that you are deserving of all those things and much more.

  contents

  viscose.

  koigu.

  damask.

  charmeuse.

  landing.

  viscose.

  silly me,

  i was the right person for me all along.

  hello, i know i’ve forgotten about you recently. how nice it is to meet you again. it feels nice, doesn’t it? to feel so familiar yet so transformed. i guess time has a way of making you realize what is more important, and now i realize that it was always you.

  —a letter to my self

  ( better late than never )

  i’m learning to love my own language again.

  i’m learning to pronounce it loud even when they don’t understand me.

  i’m learning to give it a voice even if its accent is unfamiliar.

  i’m learning to stop spelling it out to the wrong ears.

  i’m learning to love my own language again.

  i hope

  you learn to heal the parts of you that feel the need to constantly apologize for things that you are not responsible for in fear that they may leave or get upset if you don’t take ownership of the guilt they are trying to place on you. i hope you realize that you are not a place mat for people’s fears and insecurities.

  losing battles.

  how many connections have you fought for,

  knowing deep down that you would be better off without them?

  how many connections have you fought for,

  because the thought of being alone scares you?

  how many connections do you still fight for,

  when you really should be letting go?

  ( there are greater things waiting for you beyond everything that once gave you comfort )

  some doors must remain closed. not because you won’t be able to handle the truth behind them, but because your narrative has outgrown all the trauma that those old things may have brought you. not everything that was once for you, is still for you.

  misplaced energy.

  it’s a much deeper kind of self-sabotage

  when you continuously search for people,

  when you still haven’t found yourself.

  spacious revolutions.

  be there for you, more.

  be more for you, often.

  there is love that you’ve relinquished,

  that you should’ve been pouring back into you all along.

  there is energy that you’ve exerted

  on people and situations that don’t deserve your time.

  make more room for you.

  ( love yourself so deeply that if anyone were to ever leave, love for yourself would still remain )

  people come, and call it love.

  people stay, and call it love.

  people go, and call it love.

  but this is why you must become love,

  so that regardless of what they

  do or do not do, you still remain full.

  ( it goes both ways )

  just as easily as you can outgrow people, people can easily outgrow you too.

  no two paths are the same, no two journeys are identical,

  and people are allowed to become who they are

  without you attaching bitterness or sadness to their evolution.

  that thing that you’re holding on to so tightly;

  let it go and see if it comes back. give it a chance to show you if it’s real.

  ( my love language is not one that everyone can speak or one that everyone has spoken )

  you can’t love me the same way you loved old lovers.

  i’m a different kind of lover.

  self-acceptance.

  i’m past the stage of fighting to be understood,

  and fully invested in the idea of understanding

  myself better than anyone else ever could.

  eventually,

  you will get tired of feeling sorry for people who don’t want to help themselves, and when that day comes, you will realize that you are not responsible for anyone’s healing but your own.

  ( the loss of a connection can be one of the most beautiful things to ever happen to you. give the space that comes with loss the freedom to manifest into something fruitful for you )

  the friendships that no longer exist

  birthed the friendship i should’ve

  had with myself all along.

  sometimes people need to move

  out of your path so you can

  see yourself again.

  mantra;

  if it doesn’t give me peace,

  it will give me growth.

  ( your healing never truly begins until you are completely honest and transparent with yourself. when you take your wounds out on a date and leave your ego at home. when you take responsibility for your healing and remove the ownership from anyone else’s hands. your healing truly begins when you stop projecting and internalizing, and start reflecting and being more vulnerable about your pain )

  i found healing

  when i told ego to lower its voice and sit in the corner

  while i asked my wounds important questions.

  authentic bonds.

  there is no connection more powerful

  than two people bringing their individualities

  to the table with no intention

  of diluting each other’s essence but instead,

  celebrating what makes each other unique.

  ( every part of you is deserving of love regardless of how broken you think it is )

  your healing will take time. it will require patience and softness. but never let the frustration of how long it’s taking poison your spirit. there are parts of you that haven’t healed fully that still deserve love.

  light transformations.

  who you used to be, isn’t who you are now.

  who you used to be, isn’t who you’re required to be.

  you don’t have to carry your past in your wallet

  if it’s no longer what you identify with.

  you are allowed to empty your pockets

  to feel lighter from everything that weighs you down.

  expensive housing.

  nostalgia will keep you renting space in toxic places and swimming in muddy waters if you allow it to. your peace of mind is more valuable than old memories and your growth has no room to operate on sympathy.

  ego will keep you repeating the same mistakes because you feel like the lesson being taught is one that doesn’t apply to you, or one that doesn’t feed into your spirit. manage your ego enough to gain the clarity to see what is in front of you and to see what needs to change.

  fear will keep you in cycles that seem never-ending, while doubt lurks in the background playing games with your soul. drown your worries and concerns in honesty and light, so you can finally meet with your future.

  ( there are depths that exist within you that can’t be reached by everyone. there is language that exists within you that won’t be understood by everyone. there is energy that exists within you that can’t be matched by everyone, but you are not required to adjust yourself to those that are not at your level )

  never shallow your intellectualism just to make people who can’t swim in your mind more comfortable. your waves of energy may be too intense for some, or too confusing for others, but your waves are not meant for everyone to float in.

  ( gentle nudges from the universe )

  some energy isn’t worth revisiting.

  some energy isn’t worth exploring.

  some energy isn’t worth holding onto.

  some energy is just a reminder that you

  don’t have to rely outward to feel whole.

  forgive yourself

  for all the times you blamed yourself for letting something good slip away.

  if it was for you, then it would’ve stayed,

  if it wasn’t, then it only made room for something better.

  understand

  that some people are only able to handle older versions of you. they wi
ll turn away from who you are currently because they don’t know what growth looks like. you are not required to reprise older roles you once assumed to make other people comfortable.

  ( some lessons you only learn when you finally tell ego to lower its voice )

  there is nothing wrong with waiting for the answers to find you.

  sometimes rushing for clarity can lead you further from the truth and closer to unhappiness.

  just remember, when the answers knock on your door and find you,

  open your mind, quiet your ego, and listen.

  you’re what i needed, but not what i need anymore.

  it feels rough on the tongue to say, but i mean this in the gentlest of ways. it might feel malicious, but believe me when i say my words are wrapped in gratitude. hindsight has a way of taking the blindfolds off and revealing truth. hindsight has a way of washing off all the sugar that’s stuck on lies. hindsight has a way of exposing what’s not for you and disclosing what’s meant to stay. we may have come into each other’s space at a time when comfort eluded us and found peace in each other. we may have come into each other’s space at a time when we needed direction and drew maps to each other’s soul. we may have come into each other’s space at a time when life had us on edge and gave each other rope. but times change, situations change, people change, and we are no different. i’m thankful for everything you have ever done, but i’m even more thankful to you for helping me become the person i needed to be. the universe never aligns two paths together for no reason, and even though it was temporary, the lessons i took from our connection are written in permanent ink. i’m learning that some connections have expiration dates, and that’s okay. i’m learning that some people are meant to play supporting roles in your life instead of starring ones, and that’s okay. i’m learning that sometimes you need to move to where there is more growth, and that’s okay. i’m learning that you may have been what i needed, but you’re not what i need anymore, and that’s okay.

  higher discernment.

  i used to be drawn to pain like moths are to flames,

  only now i won’t burn myself for pain that doesn’t belong to me.

  a healer and a sacrificial lamb are two very different things,

  and i’m learning to choose my roles more wisely.

  warm noise.

  my love is loud,

  but it could never silence your insecurities.

  my love is loud,

  but it could never drown out your doubt.

  my love is loud,

  but the love you have for yourself

  should be louder than the love i have for you.

  remember:

  it is not your duty to wake up anyone that has been sleeping on your magic.

  to whom this may concern: don’t be so hard on your older self. try not to judge how you moved or lacked the courage to. you wouldn’t be who you are or who you are becoming without them. feed yourself with compassion instead of spoonfuls of regret.

  to whom this may concern: give yourself the freedom to make mistakes. give yourself the space to fail. give yourself the room to re-create yourself as many times as you need while using the pieces you’ve gathered from your missed steps to create a stronger you.

  to whom this may concern: sometimes not knowing where to turn is a sign in itself. sometimes feeling lost is not an indication of where you’ll always be. sometimes the most movement you can make is in accepting that where you are currently is exactly where you need to be.

  what looks like peace and happiness on the outside

  is actually sleepless nights and long days on the inside.

  —shadow work

  reminder:

  you will inspire many who will have absolutely no desire or intention of acknowledging that you ever did. what isn’t genuine or from the source always exposes itself eventually—authenticity can never be replicated.

  ( secrets about me )

  i like my space,

  and if you’re unable to understand that,

  then you’re already taking up too much.

  spiritual releases.

  some love i let go, because i wasn’t ready.

  some love i let go, because i was naive.

  some love i let go, because i didn’t understand what love is.

  some love i let go, because they let me go.

  some love i let go, to prove to myself that i am all i ever needed.

  ( connections run their course for many reasons, but sometimes those reasons are to aid in your emancipation )

  good people don’t always end up together.

  not because two good people can’t coexist within a connection,

  but because sometimes your purpose runs much deeper than who you are as individuals.

  attentive.

  when you find love that listens,

  you will never need to shout to be heard.

  when you find love that listens,

  you will never need to over-explain yourself to be felt.

  when you find love that listens,

  you will never need to look for ears that understand.

  how many more times

  are you going to apologize for being you

  instead of just accepting that not everyone can handle

  the version of yourself that you are currently?

  ( lay your weapons down, love )

  you’ve dissected yourself in the mirror too many times for lovers that see you as nothing more than food for their ego, and eventually, i hope you find love that takes the weapons out of your hands and reassures you that you don’t have to go to war with yourself for anyone.

  muse.

  a woman who is art cannot be replicated.

  you cannot trace an image of her soul and make it your own.

  she runs deeper than the eye—she’s a feeling.

  ( don’t continue to suffer in silence )

  delayed conversations are poison to a heart that has much to say.